hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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