I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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