i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
