my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you win again, gameday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
