my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
