She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
