Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
