God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
