Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
