So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
