she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
