2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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