I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize