just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
