Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
