if only i could text you this smell
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
