mondays should just be called national damage control day
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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