i barfeds in our rink
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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