I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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