This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's always time for handjobs
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
