Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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