$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
