Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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