The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
