My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
