Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
