Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
