I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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