The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Don't make out with my wife yet
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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