I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
