By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
