This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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