You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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