a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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