I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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