I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
