They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
