Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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