My liver just broke up with me...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
