He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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