you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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