Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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