based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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