I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Drake has all the answers
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
