i think my tv is drunk
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
