never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
