Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
