apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
