seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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