Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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