ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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