if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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