would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
