wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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