Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
