I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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