I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
