life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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